Love and Hate Part I
I don't know if I love my spouse anymore, but I don't hate him. I hate his behavior. I know my spouse doesn't love me, but I don’t know if he hates me. He acts like he hates me. Maybe he hates that I’m moving forward. If I love my spouse, it’s not an intense feeling...
Argument? What Argument?
For over a decade, we argued over money, sex, cheating, weed, lying, unfair distribution of duties, family, friends, AA, church, fixing things around the house, and if it’s sunny or cloudy. Arguing the same talking points is not moving forward. It takes two to argue,...
Communication
Communication was non-existent because I was too emotional, overreacted, and stopped listening to my spouse—verbal abuse, shame and blame, and lying added fuel to the fire. I am civil when we talk about the kids or say hi & bye. But to get healthy and move on, I...
I Don’t Want to Live in My Feelings
I dealt with the dead about the past; now it’s time to deal with the living about the present. Just because I acknowledged feelings inwardly about the past doesn’t mean I mastered the art of dealing with my feelings outwardly. There is a whole range of feelings and...
How Did I Get Here? Part II
My fiancé and I decided to live together; we were a happy family planning our wedding. I thought I had him hooked, so I tried to change him. I demanded his time after work and constantly called when he was out drinking with the guys. I didn’t trust him; I never did. ...
How Did I Get Here? Part I
For me, getting healthy means starting at the beginning. How did I get here. I’ve been acting-out unresolved issues from my past under the guise of living. To go forward, I have to go backward. I remembered loud arguments between my parents as far back as the sixth...
Getting Started
Moving forward means taking action. Letting go is an act in itself. I don’t have the time nor energy to come home from work, cook, tend to the kids, deal with the chaos, and drive across town to attend meetings. But honestly, even if I did have the time, I don’t want...
Let it Go
I will not heal overnight. Baby steps. The knowledge of knowing I can only change myself was a revelation. But could I apply the remedies from the AA pamphlet in real-time, under the same roof as my spouse, while I’m still messed up. How do I shed my anger,...
Out of Denial
I stopped asking my spouse personal questions about his whereabouts and the behavior I tried to cover up. I accepted that my spouse is an addict, liar, abuser, cheater, and I can’t fix him. I did whatever I could to protect myself and the kids from anxiety. I dealt...
Acceptance
My spouse and I are older but still cycle through ups and downs, truces, and false hope. My spouse’s AA books and recovery paraphernalia sat on a table in his mancave/bedroom/living room. I wasn’t allowed to touch them. I resented his AA stuff anyway because they...